I was chatting recently with my dad via Instant Messenger when I made this latest pronouncement with great force from my throne behind the keyboard. I’m the Q after all so from time to time I come up with these little gems after much pondering of life’s little obscurities.
My latest bit of wisdom came after much contemplation about a past relationship and a burgeoning new one and the many things men like to do that fall under the vague term of sex and the more explicit definition of pleasuring their penis.
I am not saying your heterosexual boyfriend, lover or spouse likes to sleep with men. But chances are he would like to have sex with you the way gay men do. Because straight men are, among other things, often creatures of few words, they may be hesitant to admit this fact. But listen to one man knock another who happens to dress more stylishly than he does. “That’s so gay!” they’ll say. Ricky Martin? “He’s gay.” What they are really saying is that they are jealous of all the female attention these men are attracting by being clean, presentable and having a scoche of fashion sense as Carson would quip on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
What men also won’t tell you is that, like their queer brothers, most straight guys have a thing for butts. I’ve had my share of boyfriends and all but the first one wanted to stick first a finger and then their penis up my bum. And I’m firmly convinced that my first boyfriend just hadn’t watched or read enough porn to include it in his sexual repertoire. We were, after all, in the early stages of our sexually active lives.
However, I’m not sure just when the obsession with anal sex became a thing among the heterosexual crowd. But the older I get, the more men I meet who want to try sodomy. And it has little to do with my J.Lo-esque derrier. (For the record, my niece and several passersby in San Francisco gave me the nicknames “ghetto booty,” “J. Lo booty,” and “Ms. Lopez.” I just know my ass sticks out and makes for a tricky fit in clothes.)
You may be inclined to think it’s a city thing because that’s the last place I worked and where I finally came into personal contact with this phenomenon. But I was raised in burbs that are not too different from here – with people from varying economic, educational and social classes – and I’ve since come to learn it’s prevalent there too.
I am not advocating anal sex for America’s youth. On the contrary, I’m warning young women of what’s waiting for them as they go off into the world. According to studies by the CDC (the Center for Disease Control) and the UCLA Dept. of Epidemiology, 30 percent of women will have anal sex at some point in their lives.
And while you’re saying, “Not me,” the truth is when you’re actually there caught with your pants down and your partner’s cranking your hormones through the roof with passionate kisses and caresses, you are vulnerable. Your body’s crying out for physical release and your mind might allow what it probably shouldn’t. And your partner might try what they otherwise wouldn’t.
But unless there is condition of anonymity, most people won’t even admit to having participated in this variation on our favorite extracurricular activity, let alone tell you why they did it in the first place.
“Q, you goose, people don’t like to talk about their sexual behaviors.” Yes, I know. And that is precisely the problem. At 55, my father is comfortable sending me dirty jokes via e-mail, but has still never talked to me about the sexual behaviors of men. “It’s embarrassing.” My mom was still visibly flustered and tongue-tied when on a trip to the zoo, her 9-year-old granddaughter pointed to the rhinoceros’ protruding penis and asked why the animal appeared to have a fifth leg.
I am proof that both have had sex. At 12, I found my father’s stash of porn. Yet neither told me that no matter the conditions, most men would like to stick their little serpents in any orifice they see and even some you may not be so keen on, let alone why people engage in this activity that is publicly blasphemed.
The why depends on who you ask. For women, it’s equal parts intense sensation and fear. For men, it’s that your back door has a tighter seal than the front so the experience gives them the delusion they are deflowering a virgin.
And once they are aroused, men want to relieve the pressure and see you no longer as a person, but as a sperm receptacle. So I talk during sex to remind my boyfriend I am, in fact, an active participant. And I tell him certain holes are “Exit Only.” And at 30, I informed my parents that all men are a little bit gay. I think they’d come in my ear if I let them.
Q Quips: If your children have gone through puberty, surging hormones are not far behind. Don’t just have “the talk” with them, have several. Don’t worry about not knowing all the answers, but be prepared to find them out through research so your children won’t have to learn everything the hard way.
• Rae Ann Rockhill still makes her parents wince from thousands of miles away thanks to ‘Net messenger programs and free wireless long distance. Got topics that make your parents wince? Send them to email@example.com